PTSD and Me

Ugly, unwanted, and intrusive...

Why do I torture myself with such thinking?

Better yet -- why does my mind torture me?

Ridiculous
Fear-based thinking

Irrational and illogical

Images like movie trailers flash through my mind

Vivid and real

I don’t want to look but I can help but see

Even and especially

In the dark with my eyes closed

My heart pounds while emotions knot

And sit in the bottom of my stomach

I dread this feeling when it comes on

It’s tiring, terrifying, and destructive

I wish it all

For good

To be gone

Night Shift

The night is a gateway
To my mind

To my soul

I talk to myself

I think too much

I vibrate

And everything seems off

Heaviness

Eeriness

My skin is crawling

The air is dark

And thick

Today

Made of memories

Which come alive

Beyond the gateway

Mourning imagination

When my world was small

Yet imagination infinite

My thoughts knew no boundaries

My mind, no rationale

I thought I saw demons in darkness

The shadows, evil spirits

Hovering over my head

Evil, angry spirits

That watched and waited

They slithered and squirmed

Countless, sleepless nights

I’d lay awake, wide-eyed

Heart pounding

Toes curled

Clenched blankets

Clenched teeth

Ears wringing

With demons screaming

Suffocating in religious teaching

Paralyzed in fear

And although those nights

Were long and tormenting

I can’t help but wonder

What happens to imagination?

And where did all the demons go?

What I’ve learned...

You don’t wear a label on your head and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.

You can be afraid to try something new but have the courage to do it anyways.
Life is not a counseling session, be cautious what you say.
Be careful to whom you expose yourself.
You are just as capable as anyone else.
Don’t let other’s fool you… no one has it all together.
Walk tall but remember that you don’t know it all.
Don’t be too proud to accept criticism.
Don’t let pride keep you from humbling yourself when need be.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Allow yourself to pull the blankets over your head, but always get up the next morning.
Don’t gossip or participate in gossip, the confidence of that silence will get you further.
Today is not yesterday but it is your tomorrow.
Find balance, know when to say no, and don’t be afraid to let something go.
Be excited for uncertainty, walk through open doors, embrace the unknown with anticipation…its quite exhilarating!
Speak your mind and know when to be quiet.
No one is better than you.
Act professional but do not forget where you came from.
Say “thank you”, be grateful, and more does come.
Always trust your gut.
Learn as much as you can about everything.
Ask a lot of questions.
Make a lot of mistakes.
Be true to yourself.
Say “sorry”.
Smile and love life, especially when it’s raining.

Wise and Naive

I do what I do

To conclude
Seeking knowledge
Not truths
Surrounding myself in
Theory and opinion
Logic and prediction
Longing to feed my mind
No time for fantasy
Games or lies
Posting on walls
I wish not for him to critique
Just listen
Maybe act
Your knowledge and expertise
I crave
Your experience
I respect and honor
Privilege shared
Knowledge gained
Gold nuggets of wisdom
Earned
Not waned
For what I know
Only leads to more questions
As for the rest of the answers
I do not yet know the questions