Devi Prayer -- Hymn to the Divine Mother

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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

untitled...


Fuck you man
I wasn’t put on this earth for your pleasure
Your sweet sick allurement and filth
Your desires of dirt build you a castle among swine
And the pearls cast before you I TAKE BACK!

WTF?!


Sometimes I hate that ‘thing’ called love

It fucking sucks!

Someone said, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” ~WHY?!          

Why the fuck is it better to love and lose?

I prefer to love and gain: trust, respect, union, comfort, partnership, loyalty and more LOVE!

What do I lose when I lose love? A part of myself, my heart, my trust in mankind!

I lose time and energy, sanity and faith

When I lose love what do I gain? I gain sick days, and stress, and mistrust and more defense mechanisms.

The only one of those I appreciate is more defense mechanisms- but why must I need them to protect me from love?

What a fucked up desired contradiction!!!

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Detrimental Mind

I’m consistently swaying with regards to my ultimate belief and utter denial when it comes to their diagnoses, labels, and excuses

Though I will admit I appreciate the positive products of ‘the treatment’ – whatever that may be
The momentum and flow of a balanced life is well lived and admired
And while I can’t deny that the spiral down is always and ever progressively a terrifyingly depressing and suffocating HELL

The skyrocket up is never any less than pure bliss, euphoria, and power; productivity rates ten-fold my average
Therefore, tonight I say…
Praise be to the manic in me

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Verbal Vomit and Self-Reinforcement :P

I am physically aching
Emotionally purging
I am  broken
I am numb
I am empowered
I am strong
The universe had different plans
One thing I’ve learned…
Again
You can’t resist the nature of things
You can’t deny gut feelings or truth
You can’t feel gut feelings and ride on hope
Don’t resist
Don’t try to change things
Pay attention to the quietness of the spirit of life
Pay attention to the quietness of truth and reason
My journey unfolds as it is meant to
According and depending upon my successes and failures
Though the rewards reaped through positive and negative experience and opportunity are not based on ‘actual’ successes (i.e./ in society’s eye/measurable system) but rather that I successfully attempted such things in the first place!

Failures, therefore, dependent upon the amount of non-attempts
Which are nil to none and therefore a success!
Credit for trying
Karma for honesty
Mercy for imperfection
I’m good
I’m always stronger after a good long ‘beating’
I’m grateful for what I’ve learned
It only contributes to the exhilarating and life changing journey of self-discovery
And personal strength

For that, I thank you.

xo

Thursday, July 28, 2011

PTSD and Me

Ugly, unwanted, and intrusive...

Why do I torture myself with such thinking?
Better yet -- why does my mind torture me?
Ridiculous
Fear-based thinking
Irrational and illogical
Images like movie trailers flash through my mind
Vivid and real
I don’t want to look but I can help but see
Even and especially
In the dark with my eyes closed
My heart pounds while emotions knot
And sit in the bottom of my stomach
I dread this feeling when it comes on
It’s tiring, terrifying, and destructive
I wish it all
For good
To be gone

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Night Shift

The night is a gateway
To my mind
To my soul
I talk to myself
I think too much
I vibrate
And everything seems off
Heaviness
Eeriness
My skin is crawling
The air is dark
And thick
Today
Made of memories
Which come alive
Beyond the gateway

Mourning imagination

When my world was small
Yet imagination infinite
My thoughts knew no boundaries
My mind, no rationale
I thought I saw demons in darkness
The shadows, evil spirits
Hovering over my head
Evil, angry spirits
That watched and waited
They slithered and squirmed
Countless, sleepless nights
I’d lay awake, wide-eyed
Heart pounding
Toes curled
Clenched blankets
Clenched teeth
Ears wringing
With demons screaming
Suffocating in religious teaching
Paralyzed in fear
And although those nights
Were long and tormenting
I can’t help but wonder
What happens to imagination?
And where did all the demons go?

What I’ve learned...

You don’t wear a label on your head and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.
You can be afraid to try something new but have the courage to do it anyways.
Life is not a counseling session, be cautious what you say.
Be careful to whom you expose yourself.
You are just as capable as anyone else.
Don’t let other’s fool you… no one has it all together.
Walk tall but remember that you don’t know it all.
Don’t be too proud to accept criticism.
Don’t let pride keep you from humbling yourself when need be.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Allow yourself to pull the blankets over your head, but always get up the next morning.
Don’t gossip or participate in gossip, the confidence of that silence will get you further.
Today is not yesterday but it is your tomorrow.
Find balance, know when to say no, and don’t be afraid to let something go.
Be excited for uncertainty, walk through open doors, embrace the unknown with anticipation…its quite exhilarating!
Speak your mind and know when to be quiet.
No one is better than you.
Act professional but do not forget where you came from.
Say “thank you”, be grateful, and more does come.
Always trust your gut.
Learn as much as you can about everything.
Ask a lot of questions.
Make a lot of mistakes.
Be true to yourself.
Say “sorry”.
Smile and love life, especially when it’s raining.

Wise and Naive

I do what I do
To conclude
Seeking knowledge
Not truths
Surrounding myself in
Theory and opinion
Logic and prediction
Longing to feed my mind
No time for fantasy
Games or lies
Posting on walls
I wish not for him to critique
Just listen
Maybe act
Your knowledge and expertise
I crave
Your experience
I respect and honor
Privilege shared
Knowledge gained
Gold nuggets of wisdom
Earned
Not waned
For what I know
Only leads to more questions
As for the rest of the answers
I do not yet know the questions

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Another night in the shelter


Another frustrating night in the shelter…

A woman, 35 years old appearing to look 60…spinal fluid is draining, strokes and seizures, ear canal is disintegrating, she has a speech impediment and often appears intoxicated…she is discharged from every shelter for ‘using’ though she has never picked up a ‘street drug’ in her life…her children are taken by FACS and placed in a foster home where they are allegedly sexually and physically abused and neglected…Why? She was a guinea pig, a lab rat, for an acne medication…freely given samples of medication by a clinic that is now shut down for malpractice…living in poverty and with nuclear medicine poisoning... a civil lawsuit in motion…her life expectancy cut short…the case may be won but she will never live to see any financial compensation…nor live to see her children grow up.

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will we be heard?

A manager suffering from Sjorgen’s syndrome: Rheumatoid arthritis and caring for her husband with disabilities who cannot care for himself is demoted, asked to ‘step down’ because she “has gone as far as she can go” with the organization…Why? She has more life experience and compassion than any other person in management, but lacks academic certification to ‘prove’ her worth to the agency…no medical benefits, no retirement savings, living in poverty and watching her life’s work being turned inside out and upside down in order to keep stats high and beds full with little regard or compassion for the women WE attempt to serve.

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will be heard?

A homeless shelter, underfunded and single-staffed (per shift), losing government funding because numbers are down…God forbid we do our job and teach women the life skills they need to live on their own! New management brought in…beds now full…’zero tolerance’ rule removed…authority is taken from front-line staff…no longer are we trusted to use our own logic and discretion…no longer can we exercise any authority. A safe haven for children, youth and women in poverty struggling with addiction, mental health and abuse...now turned in to a flop house to keep government funding…No one is safe any longer.

A staff member, 25 years old, is pinned to her office desk with her head in a choke hold by two angry youth…we are not to use force…she pushes the panic button and police arrive 10 minutes later. No one is charged, her life put in danger…the night continues….

A women released from the hospital 24 hours after attempting suicide…they (the hospital) are not funded to keep her so they send her to us…under-educated and poorly paid staff now given the responsibility to house her and keep her from taking her life…she is found in the shelter hanging from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom…again…single-staffed and untrained…the panic button is pushed…AGAIN… it takes the police 10 minutes to arrive. The small frail social worker takes matters in her own hands and lifts the large woman to the hard tiled floor, removes the noose (made of bedsheets and shoe laces) and administers CPR…a heroine, a child, the only one who really cares…she saves the woman’s life though the woman remains unconscious…the client is taken by ambulance to the hospital….24 hours later she is released and returns to the shelter…we are mandated to do the intake.

A woman with severe addictions frequents the shelter though she is always using and constantly on the nod…we are told not to discriminate, “perhaps that’s her demeanor”… She is sent to bed to “sleep it off” as we have lost the ‘right’ to send her to Detox…(our hands are tied though we are held fully responsible)...she overdoses and dies in her bed…the single staff on duty, only months out of school, is fired and paid a settlement so the issue is not taken to the labour board…she now has no job experience, she cannot use her job placement as a reference, and has the guilt of a lost life weighing heavily on her heart...all for what?

Management (with a degree in Business Management- NOT Social Work) pat themselves on the back and exclaim..."See how good we are? The beds are full!"

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will we be heard?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

My Front Porch

I have a magical chair
On my front porch
In which I sit
Every night
And smoke
And stare
And think.

When I sit in my chair
On my front porch
I step into another realm
Deep inner dialogues
Spin my soul
I ponder and question
I challenge my own thinking
And for a moment
Or sometimes hours
I am removed

When I sit in my chair
On my front porch
I see successes and mistakes
I see love
I see heartache
And I watch the story of my life
Be told
Perfectly

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Cuckoo's Nest

I remember the moment
I knew something was wrong
I was sixteen years old
She seemed 7 feet tall

We made a connection
When I stepped into her world
I saw her
In the corner
A scared little girl

Full of softness
And sadness
Mistrust
And pain

Not knowing
Who to talk to
Not knowing
Who to blame

Her fear made her tremble
Her defenses
A threat
Not considered a person
Rather,
An unwanted family debt


She wanted to run
She tried to hide
Tough on the outside
Broken inside

I remember the moment
Intensity grew
Alarms screamed in the background
I didn’t know what I knew

Selective hearing
Resistance
And pride


Leant my friend
The Giant
To authority’s
Demise

Stretchers
Syringes
Victimizers
And victims



Blindfolds
Medications

Institutions
And silence

Large burly men
Dressed all in white
Stormed through the hallways
With power
And might

With one jab of a needle
The big little girl fell
The nightmares she dreamt of
Came alive in this hell

Authority, degradation
She is overcome
The ‘job’ is complete
She is comfortably numb

I realize today
As I sift through my thoughts
My mind may be different
Though insight
On the dot.

For it's always been with me
Even before I knew
There's something wrong with our system
“IT'S NOT ME IT'S YOU!!!”

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Question...

How do 'normal' people talk to themselves?
Do they 'hear' the question...
to the answer...
they are whispering
OUT LOUD?!!!
Can they describe the
voice...tone...pitch...
depth of the voice that asked
the question?

Does it matter?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

DESPERATE TIMES

Heart pounding
Gut wrenching
Head spinning
Palms sweating
Hands shaking
Ears ringing
Toe tapping
Earth crashing
Babies crying
Races dying
Children starving
Bombs and armies
Where to turn
Who really cares?
No time to speak out
WE MUST SCREAM!



Tuesday, April 19, 2011

INSULTED

He says I rant too much

Too many social justice lectures
Life is simpler
He doesn’t want to hear it
“Nobody wants to hear it!”
Most people don’t want to hear it
Even my family
Mind you,
Most of them are white-privileged, right-winged, Christian fascists!
We all walk…
Insulted

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"Cripple Lullaby" by Cheryl Marie Wade

I'm trickster coyote in a gnarly-bone suit
I'm a fate worse than death in shit-kickin' boots

I'm the nightmare booga you flirt with in dreams
'Cause I emphatically demonstrate: It ain't what it seems

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm "that accident," and goodbye
One thing I am not is a reason to die.

I'm homeless in the driveway of your manicured street
I'm Evening Magazine's SuperCrip of the Week

I'm the girl in the doorway with no illusions to spare
I'm a kid dosed on chemo, so who said life is fair

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm "let's call it suicide", and a sigh
One thing I am not is a reason to die
I'm the poster child with doom-dipped eyes
I'm the ancient remnant set adrift on ice

I'm that Vally girl, you know, dying of thin
I'm all that is left of the Cheshire Cat's grin

I'm the Wheelchair Athlete, I'm every dead Baby Doe
I'm Earth's last volcano, and I am ready to blow

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm a genocide survivor, and Why?
One thing I'm not is a reason to die.

I am not a reason to die.

Plunderverse Lullaby

Trickster
Bone suit
Fate worse
Death

Nightmare
Flirt
Accident
Goodbye

Homeless
Crippled
No illusions
Life

Whisper
Heartbeat
Suicide
Sigh

Not a reason
Poster child
Doom-dipped eyes

Dying thin
Every dead
Genocide
Why?

A whisper
A heartbeat
A reason
Not to die

Release Me

Let me go
Let me be
Let me grow
Let me breathe

Let me live
Let me die
Rest your head
Spirit, lie

The Spell

When I'm under the spell
I dance in hell
With lust
And greed
And disgust

Creatress

I create magic
Though I am not a magician
I create beauty
Though I am not beautiful
I create power
Though I am not powerful
I create because

I am...
You are...
We are...

I am magic
I am power
I am beauty
I am love
I am Goddess