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Fuck you man

I wasn’t put on this earth for your pleasure

Your sweet sick allurement and filth

Your desires of dirt build you a castle among swine

And the pearls cast before you I TAKE BACK!

WTF?!

Sometimes I hate that ‘thing’ called love

It fucking sucks!

Someone said, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” ~WHY?!          

Why the fuck is it better to love and lose?

I prefer to love and gain: trust, respect, union, comfort, partnership, loyalty and more LOVE!

What do I lose when I lose love? A part of myself, my heart, my trust in mankind!

I lose time and energy, sanity and faith

When I lose love what do I gain? I gain sick days, and stress, and mistrust and more defense mechanisms.

The only one of those I appreciate is more defense mechanisms- but why must I need them to protect me from love?

What a fucked up desired contradiction!!!

The Detrimental Mind

I’m consistently swaying with regards to my ultimate belief and utter denial when it comes to their diagnoses, labels, and excuses

Though I will admit I appreciate the positive products of ‘the treatment’ – whatever that may be

The momentum and flow of a balanced life is well lived and admired

And while I can’t deny that the spiral down is always and ever progressively a terrifyingly depressing and suffocating HELL

The skyrocket up is never any less than pure bliss, euphoria, and power; productivity rates ten-fold my average

Therefore, tonight I say…

Praise be to the manic in me

Verbal Vomit and Self-Reinforcement :P

I am physically aching

Emotionally purging

I am  broken

I am numb

I am empowered

I am strong

The universe had different plans

One thing I’ve learned…

Again

You can’t resist the nature of things

You can’t deny gut feelings or truth

You can’t feel gut feelings and ride on hope

Don’t resist

Don’t try to change things

Pay attention to the quietness of the spirit of life

Pay attention to the quietness of truth and reason

My journey unfolds as it is meant to

According and depending upon my successes and failures

Though the rewards reaped through positive and negative experience and opportunity are not based on ‘actual’ successes (i.e./ in society’s eye/measurable system) but rather that I successfully attempted such things in the first place!

Failures, therefore, dependent upon the amount of non-attempts
Which are nil to none and therefore a success!

Credit for trying

Karma for honesty

Mercy for imperfection

I’m good

I’m always stronger after a good long ‘beating’

I’m grateful for what I’ve learned

It only contributes to the exhilarating and life changing journey of self-discovery
And personal strength

For that, I thank you.

xo

PTSD and Me

Ugly, unwanted, and intrusive...

Why do I torture myself with such thinking?

Better yet -- why does my mind torture me?

Ridiculous
Fear-based thinking

Irrational and illogical

Images like movie trailers flash through my mind

Vivid and real

I don’t want to look but I can help but see

Even and especially

In the dark with my eyes closed

My heart pounds while emotions knot

And sit in the bottom of my stomach

I dread this feeling when it comes on

It’s tiring, terrifying, and destructive

I wish it all

For good

To be gone

Night Shift

The night is a gateway
To my mind

To my soul

I talk to myself

I think too much

I vibrate

And everything seems off

Heaviness

Eeriness

My skin is crawling

The air is dark

And thick

Today

Made of memories

Which come alive

Beyond the gateway

Mourning imagination

When my world was small

Yet imagination infinite

My thoughts knew no boundaries

My mind, no rationale

I thought I saw demons in darkness

The shadows, evil spirits

Hovering over my head

Evil, angry spirits

That watched and waited

They slithered and squirmed

Countless, sleepless nights

I’d lay awake, wide-eyed

Heart pounding

Toes curled

Clenched blankets

Clenched teeth

Ears wringing

With demons screaming

Suffocating in religious teaching

Paralyzed in fear

And although those nights

Were long and tormenting

I can’t help but wonder

What happens to imagination?

And where did all the demons go?

What I’ve learned...

You don’t wear a label on your head and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.

You can be afraid to try something new but have the courage to do it anyways.
Life is not a counseling session, be cautious what you say.
Be careful to whom you expose yourself.
You are just as capable as anyone else.
Don’t let other’s fool you… no one has it all together.
Walk tall but remember that you don’t know it all.
Don’t be too proud to accept criticism.
Don’t let pride keep you from humbling yourself when need be.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Allow yourself to pull the blankets over your head, but always get up the next morning.
Don’t gossip or participate in gossip, the confidence of that silence will get you further.
Today is not yesterday but it is your tomorrow.
Find balance, know when to say no, and don’t be afraid to let something go.
Be excited for uncertainty, walk through open doors, embrace the unknown with anticipation…its quite exhilarating!
Speak your mind and know when to be quiet.
No one is better than you.
Act professional but do not forget where you came from.
Say “thank you”, be grateful, and more does come.
Always trust your gut.
Learn as much as you can about everything.
Ask a lot of questions.
Make a lot of mistakes.
Be true to yourself.
Say “sorry”.
Smile and love life, especially when it’s raining.

Wise and Naive

I do what I do

To conclude
Seeking knowledge
Not truths
Surrounding myself in
Theory and opinion
Logic and prediction
Longing to feed my mind
No time for fantasy
Games or lies
Posting on walls
I wish not for him to critique
Just listen
Maybe act
Your knowledge and expertise
I crave
Your experience
I respect and honor
Privilege shared
Knowledge gained
Gold nuggets of wisdom
Earned
Not waned
For what I know
Only leads to more questions
As for the rest of the answers
I do not yet know the questions

Another night in the shelter

Another frustrating night in the shelter…

A woman, 35 years old appearing to look 60…spinal fluid is draining, strokes and seizures, ear canal is disintegrating, she has a speech impediment and often appears intoxicated…she is discharged from every shelter for ‘using’ though she has never picked up a ‘street drug’ in her life…her children are taken by FACS and placed in a foster home where they are allegedly sexually and physically abused and neglected…Why? She was a guinea pig, a lab rat, for an acne medication…freely given samples of medication by a clinic that is now shut down for malpractice…living in poverty and with nuclear medicine poisoning... a civil lawsuit in motion…her life expectancy cut short…the case may be won but she will never live to see any financial compensation…nor live to see her children grow up.

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will we be heard?

A manager suffering from Sjorgen’s syndrome: Rheumatoid arthritis and caring for her husband with disabilities who cannot care for himself is demoted, asked to ‘step down’ because she “has gone as far as she can go” with the organization…Why? She has more life experience and compassion than any other person in management, but lacks academic certification to ‘prove’ her worth to the agency…no medical benefits, no retirement savings, living in poverty and watching her life’s work being turned inside out and upside down in order to keep stats high and beds full with little regard or compassion for the women WE attempt to serve.

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will be heard?

A homeless shelter, underfunded and single-staffed (per shift), losing government funding because numbers are down…God forbid we do our job and teach women the life skills they need to live on their own! New management brought in…beds now full…’zero tolerance’ rule removed…authority is taken from front-line staff…no longer are we trusted to use our own logic and discretion…no longer can we exercise any authority. A safe haven for children, youth and women in poverty struggling with addiction, mental health and abuse...now turned in to a flop house to keep government funding…No one is safe any longer.

A staff member, 25 years old, is pinned to her office desk with her head in a choke hold by two angry youth…we are not to use force…she pushes the panic button and police arrive 10 minutes later. No one is charged, her life put in danger…the night continues….

A women released from the hospital 24 hours after attempting suicide…they (the hospital) are not funded to keep her so they send her to us…under-educated and poorly paid staff now given the responsibility to house her and keep her from taking her life…she is found in the shelter hanging from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom…again…single-staffed and untrained…the panic button is pushed…AGAIN… it takes the police 10 minutes to arrive. The small frail social worker takes matters in her own hands and lifts the large woman to the hard tiled floor, removes the noose (made of bedsheets and shoe laces) and administers CPR…a heroine, a child, the only one who really cares…she saves the woman’s life though the woman remains unconscious…the client is taken by ambulance to the hospital….24 hours later she is released and returns to the shelter…we are mandated to do the intake.

A woman with severe addictions frequents the shelter though she is always using and constantly on the nod…we are told not to discriminate, “perhaps that’s her demeanor”… She is sent to bed to “sleep it off” as we have lost the ‘right’ to send her to Detox…(our hands are tied though we are held fully responsible)...she overdoses and dies in her bed…the single staff on duty, only months out of school, is fired and paid a settlement so the issue is not taken to the labour board…she now has no job experience, she cannot use her job placement as a reference, and has the guilt of a lost life weighing heavily on her heart...all for what?

Management (with a degree in Business Management- NOT Social Work) pat themselves on the back and exclaim..."See how good we are? The beds are full!"

Where is the justice and when will it be served?

Who is listening and when will we be heard?

My Front Porch

I have a magical chair

On my front porch

In which I sit

Every night

And smoke

And stare

And think.

When I sit in my chair

On my front porch

I step into another realm

Deep inner dialogues

Spin my soul

I ponder and question

I challenge my own thinking

And for a moment

Or sometimes hours

I am removed

When I sit in my chair

On my front porch

I see successes and mistakes

I see love

I see heartache

And I watch the story of my life

Be told

Perfectly

The Cuckoo's Nest

I remember the moment

I knew something was wrong

I was sixteen years old

She seemed 7 feet tall

We made a connection

When I stepped into her world

I saw her

In the corner

A scared little girl

Full of softness

And sadness

Mistrust

And pain

Not knowing

Who to talk to

Not knowing

Who to blame

Her fear made her tremble

Her defenses

A threat

Not considered a person

Rather,

An unwanted family debt

She wanted to run

She tried to hide

Tough on the outside

Broken inside

I remember the moment

Intensity grew

Alarms screamed in the background

I didn’t know what I knew

Selective hearing

Resistance

And pride


Leant my friend

The Giant

To authority’s

Demise

Stretchers

Syringes

Victimizers

And victims

Blindfolds

Medications

Institutions

And silence

Large burly men

Dressed all in white

Stormed through the hallways

With power

And might

With one jab of a needle

The big little girl fell

The nightmares she dreamt of

Came alive in this hell

Authority, degradation

She is overcome

The ‘job’ is complete

She is comfortably numb

I realize today

As I sift through my thoughts

My mind may be different

Though insight

On the dot.

For it's always been with me

Even before I knew

There's something wrong with our system

“IT'S NOT ME IT'S YOU!!!”

A Question...

How do 'normal' people talk to themselves?
Do they 'hear' the question...
to the answer...
they are whispering
OUT LOUD?!!!
Can they describe the
voice...tone...pitch...
depth of the voice that asked
the question?

Does it matter?

DESPERATE TIMES

Heart pounding

Gut wrenching

Head spinning

Palms sweating

Hands shaking

Ears ringing

Toe tapping

Earth crashing

Babies crying

Races dying

Children starving

Bombs and armies

Where to turn

Who really cares?

No time to speak out

WE MUST SCREAM!

INSULTED

He says I rant too much

Too many social justice lectures

Life is simpler

He doesn’t want to hear it

“Nobody wants to hear it!”

Most people don’t want to hear it

Even my family

Mind you,

Most of them are white-privileged, right-winged, Christian fascists!

We all walk…

Insulted

"Cripple Lullaby" by Cheryl Marie Wade

I'm trickster coyote in a gnarly-bone suit
I'm a fate worse than death in shit-kickin' boots

I'm the nightmare booga you flirt with in dreams
'Cause I emphatically demonstrate: It ain't what it seems

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm "that accident," and goodbye
One thing I am not is a reason to die.

I'm homeless in the driveway of your manicured street
I'm Evening Magazine's SuperCrip of the Week

I'm the girl in the doorway with no illusions to spare
I'm a kid dosed on chemo, so who said life is fair

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm "let's call it suicide", and a sigh
One thing I am not is a reason to die
I'm the poster child with doom-dipped eyes
I'm the ancient remnant set adrift on ice

I'm that Vally girl, you know, dying of thin
I'm all that is left of the Cheshire Cat's grin

I'm the Wheelchair Athlete, I'm every dead Baby Doe
I'm Earth's last volcano, and I am ready to blow

I'm a whisper, I'm a heartbeat, I'm a genocide survivor, and Why?
One thing I'm not is a reason to die.

I am not a reason to die.

Plunderverse Lullaby

Trickster
Bone suit
Fate worse
Death

Nightmare
Flirt
Accident
Goodbye

Homeless
Crippled
No illusions
Life

Whisper
Heartbeat
Suicide
Sigh

Not a reason
Poster child
Doom-dipped eyes

Dying thin
Every dead
Genocide
Why?

A whisper
A heartbeat
A reason
Not to die

Release Me

Let me go
Let me be
Let me grow
Let me breathe

Let me live
Let me die
Rest your head
Spirit, lie

The Spell

When I'm under the spell
I dance in hell
With lust
And greed
And disgust

Creatress

I create magic
Though I am not a magician
I create beauty
Though I am not beautiful
I create power
Though I am not powerful
I create because

I am...
You are...
We are...

I am magic
I am power
I am beauty
I am love
I am Goddess