Numbing Pain

I want to cry but tears won’t come

I want to scream but I don’t have the energy

Pointlessly I wonder…

Do I purposely walk back into this heavy black cloud?

Am I pulled by a greater force?

Regardless, I’m quite familiar with the poison

And allow it in my life anyway

It weighs me down and steals my breath

My heart is in my stomach

And my stomach in my throat

Every time the fog begins to lift I walk back in

Sometimes I run

Theories and diagnoses run through my mind

I try to make sense of the memories that were lies

Broken dreams and promises

Hurtful empty words

Intrusive thoughts and fantasies

Invade my thoughts and cry…

WHY???!!!

Rotten days are WONDERFUL!

It’s cold outside, from the snow and slush
and bone-chilling winds sting my face
The wind is so bitter that my eyes water, my nose runs,
and my breath is stolen from my lungs
The bottom of my dress pants are soaked
And they rub against my ankles, causing my joints to ache...
I know it's going to be a long day

When...
I'm late for work
I've forgotten something important
My computer crashes
My cell phone dies
And all the while...
I cant help but listen to an extra bitter co-worker complaining about something
....always something
And always taking it out on me...ugh!
Between rage and awe
I can't help but chuckle
...under my breath
I know...
It is going to be a long day!

I've forgotten my lunch (but remember i gave my last $20 to my dear ol' son this morning)
So I chain smoke in attempt to numb my hunger
I drink lots of water in attempt to drown my smoke breath  
Only to listen to the bitter co-worker now bitch about how the office smells like a cigarette!
It has now become a rotten day

But then
The trials of the day start coming to an end
Finally down to the last inevitable catastrophe...
A flat tire, keys locked in the car, abandoned by a ride, or bus pass lost.....you fill in the blanks.

Exhausted and hungry
Cold and angry
Clinging to warm hopes that the best is yet to come...

For,
When home I finally arrive....
A transformation begins
My spirit casts off old garments
And traditional rituals of my favorite moments in my time and space
Begin...

Bags of books, computers,and cell phones
fall to the ground
(along with deadlines, due dates, meetings and expectations)
there's a "thump" on the ground...
a glorious release...
I love and look forward to this moment every day.

Like a 'WARRIORESS' shedding to the ground
Her armor and weapons from battle
So too to the ground falls my mental and emotional 'luggage' and armor
...but only after and if I let it all go.

And then...
the most gratifying of all moments...
the best part of a most rotten day...
the ritual begins...
hot steaming bath...
sweet smells
a warm enveloping of satin waters
as I'm immersed...
calming bubbles
and then...
the  E...X...H...A...L...E...
ankles soothing
toes warming
head back
eyes closed to the world
candles burning
inhaling sweet smells of home and luxury
my sanctuary

And then...
I dive into my soft warm bed
puffed pillows
lavender and vanilla fabric scents
the feeling of my favorite sheets on my smooth legs
the smell of my freshly washed pj’s
my kitten snuggling
purring and petting beside me
ponytail
make-up free face
the daily 'good-night' phone call to my best friend
A good night kiss from my son...
I sink into my pillow and sigh...
And think
And say 'thank you'
For my own little piece of heaven
My sanctuary

Rotten days are worth it
because I'm reminded of how glorious the good things in my life really are!
A rotten day makes the things I protect,
practice, love, and treasure...
more special
A rotten day makes those special moments EUPHORIC...
And therefore, rotten days are WONDERFUL!

untitled...

Fuck you man

I wasn’t put on this earth for your pleasure

Your sweet sick allurement and filth

Your desires of dirt build you a castle among swine

And the pearls cast before you I TAKE BACK!

WTF?!

Sometimes I hate that ‘thing’ called love

It fucking sucks!

Someone said, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” ~WHY?!          

Why the fuck is it better to love and lose?

I prefer to love and gain: trust, respect, union, comfort, partnership, loyalty and more LOVE!

What do I lose when I lose love? A part of myself, my heart, my trust in mankind!

I lose time and energy, sanity and faith

When I lose love what do I gain? I gain sick days, and stress, and mistrust and more defense mechanisms.

The only one of those I appreciate is more defense mechanisms- but why must I need them to protect me from love?

What a fucked up desired contradiction!!!

The Detrimental Mind

I’m consistently swaying with regards to my ultimate belief and utter denial when it comes to their diagnoses, labels, and excuses

Though I will admit I appreciate the positive products of ‘the treatment’ – whatever that may be

The momentum and flow of a balanced life is well lived and admired

And while I can’t deny that the spiral down is always and ever progressively a terrifyingly depressing and suffocating HELL

The skyrocket up is never any less than pure bliss, euphoria, and power; productivity rates ten-fold my average

Therefore, tonight I say…

Praise be to the manic in me

Verbal Vomit and Self-Reinforcement :P

I am physically aching

Emotionally purging

I am  broken

I am numb

I am empowered

I am strong

The universe had different plans

One thing I’ve learned…

Again

You can’t resist the nature of things

You can’t deny gut feelings or truth

You can’t feel gut feelings and ride on hope

Don’t resist

Don’t try to change things

Pay attention to the quietness of the spirit of life

Pay attention to the quietness of truth and reason

My journey unfolds as it is meant to

According and depending upon my successes and failures

Though the rewards reaped through positive and negative experience and opportunity are not based on ‘actual’ successes (i.e./ in society’s eye/measurable system) but rather that I successfully attempted such things in the first place!

Failures, therefore, dependent upon the amount of non-attempts
Which are nil to none and therefore a success!

Credit for trying

Karma for honesty

Mercy for imperfection

I’m good

I’m always stronger after a good long ‘beating’

I’m grateful for what I’ve learned

It only contributes to the exhilarating and life changing journey of self-discovery
And personal strength

For that, I thank you.

xo

PTSD and Me

Ugly, unwanted, and intrusive...

Why do I torture myself with such thinking?

Better yet -- why does my mind torture me?

Ridiculous
Fear-based thinking

Irrational and illogical

Images like movie trailers flash through my mind

Vivid and real

I don’t want to look but I can help but see

Even and especially

In the dark with my eyes closed

My heart pounds while emotions knot

And sit in the bottom of my stomach

I dread this feeling when it comes on

It’s tiring, terrifying, and destructive

I wish it all

For good

To be gone

Night Shift

The night is a gateway
To my mind

To my soul

I talk to myself

I think too much

I vibrate

And everything seems off

Heaviness

Eeriness

My skin is crawling

The air is dark

And thick

Today

Made of memories

Which come alive

Beyond the gateway

Mourning imagination

When my world was small

Yet imagination infinite

My thoughts knew no boundaries

My mind, no rationale

I thought I saw demons in darkness

The shadows, evil spirits

Hovering over my head

Evil, angry spirits

That watched and waited

They slithered and squirmed

Countless, sleepless nights

I’d lay awake, wide-eyed

Heart pounding

Toes curled

Clenched blankets

Clenched teeth

Ears wringing

With demons screaming

Suffocating in religious teaching

Paralyzed in fear

And although those nights

Were long and tormenting

I can’t help but wonder

What happens to imagination?

And where did all the demons go?

What I’ve learned...

You don’t wear a label on your head and you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.

You can be afraid to try something new but have the courage to do it anyways.
Life is not a counseling session, be cautious what you say.
Be careful to whom you expose yourself.
You are just as capable as anyone else.
Don’t let other’s fool you… no one has it all together.
Walk tall but remember that you don’t know it all.
Don’t be too proud to accept criticism.
Don’t let pride keep you from humbling yourself when need be.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Allow yourself to pull the blankets over your head, but always get up the next morning.
Don’t gossip or participate in gossip, the confidence of that silence will get you further.
Today is not yesterday but it is your tomorrow.
Find balance, know when to say no, and don’t be afraid to let something go.
Be excited for uncertainty, walk through open doors, embrace the unknown with anticipation…its quite exhilarating!
Speak your mind and know when to be quiet.
No one is better than you.
Act professional but do not forget where you came from.
Say “thank you”, be grateful, and more does come.
Always trust your gut.
Learn as much as you can about everything.
Ask a lot of questions.
Make a lot of mistakes.
Be true to yourself.
Say “sorry”.
Smile and love life, especially when it’s raining.